Finding yourself when being healed of sin
Have you ever had a personality trait or habit you knew you had to get rid of, but were afraid it would alter your being so much you wouldn’t recognize yourself afterwards?
I was talking about this with a friend who is in the habit of getting high. I try not to judge her at all, and she trusts me. So when she calls to talk about whatever just happened that again underscores the point that getting high isn’t such a great idea, I talk to her about it logically.
This last time, our discussion centered on her being unsure of who she is without getting high. What would she be like? Would her friends still want to hang out with her? Are these friends the best people to hang out with in the first place?
It reminded me of my own transition from thinking my sexuality defined who I am (I’ve written about this before). I was pretty convinced from adolescence onward that if I wasn’t getting attention from guys, I wasn’t really in the room. A friend of mine warned me at one point in high school not to be so flirtatious, and it angered me at the time. I had no idea what she was talking about.
As the years went on, however, my attitude toward relationships and sex caused more pain than pleasure. Breakups and disappointments became all too regular. Finally I came to the point where I knew a huge change was needed. But how could I? Who would I become? Would anyone like me anymore?
When in desperation I went to divine Love with these questions (finally), I got a surprise answer. This was the culmination of many months of prayer and study, not necessarily about sexuality, but about general spirituality. But I must have been experiencing transformation that I was unaware of, because when the moment came, I was receptive.
In that moment, I caught a glimpse of myself as wholly spiritual. I saw myself as reflecting qualities, not as a physical being. I saw myself as the emanation of pure goodness and light, not dragging through the muck of human existence anymore. In that moment, that’s all I wanted, and I knew that’s all I had ever been.
Did my attitude toward relationships change? You bet. Did people still like me? Mercifully, yes! But that didn’t matter so much as knowing how much God liked me.
The point today is, it’s not about giving up sin and then being stuck there, empty. It’s about filling up with something else and therefore having sin drop off naturally.
So that’s what I advised my friend. I told her to make it a priority to find out more about herself spiritually, and let that shape her habits and actions and associates.
I like this thought from Science and Health:
It is difficult for the sinner to accept divine Science, because Science exposes his nothingness; but the sooner error is reduced to its native nothingness, the sooner man's great reality will appear and his genuine being will be understood. The destruction of error is by no means the destruction of Truth or Life, but is the acknowledgment of them.
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